Tag: politics

OCTOBER 23, 4004 BC: AND ON THE 29TH HE RESTED

Posted on by Richard Daybell

Those who predict the imminent end of the world display a certain amount of chutzpah if not foolhardiness (see William Miller, October 22).  It probably takes even more of those qualities to identify the exact date of the beginning of the world, but didn’t James Ussher (1581-1656) do just that.

As Archbishop of Armagh, Primate of All Ireland, and Vice-Chancellor of Trinity College in Dublin, Ussher was rather highly regarded in his day as both churchman and scholar. He was not your average man on the street (“Tell me sir, when did the world begin?”) making bold proclamations. And evidently he didn’t just pull important dates out of a hat. His declarations were based on an intricate correlation of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean histories and Holy writ, incorporated into an authorized 1701 version of the Bible, or so he explained. And they were accepted, regarded without question as if they were the Bible itself.

Through the aforementioned methods, Ussher established that the first day of creation was Sunday, October 23, 4004 BC. He didn’t give a time. On a roll, Ussher calculated the dates of other biblical events, concluding, for example, that Adam and Eve were driven from Paradise on Monday, November 10 of that same year BC. (It took them less than three weeks to get in trouble with God.) And Noah docked his ark on Mt Ararat on May 5, 2348 BC. That was a Wednesday if you were wondering.

Late-breaking news: Dr. John Lightfoot, of Cambridge, an Ussher contemporary, declared in a bold bid for oneupsmanship, that his most profound and exhaustive study of the Scriptures, showed that “heaven and earth, centre and circumference, were created all together, in the same instant, and clouds full of water,” and that “this work took place and man was created by the Trinity on October 23, 4004 B.C., at nine o’clock in the morning.”

Okay Lightfoot, Take This

Wretched Richard will jump out onto the proverbial limb and give you a few more dates you might be wondering about.

January 29, 3995 BC, 8 a.m. — God creates children.

March 12, 3906 BC, 5:00 p.m.  — Shouting something about his damn sheep, Cain slays Abel.

September 3, 3522 BC, 6:00 p.m. — God creates Facebook, then decides the world isn’t ready for it.

October 2, 2901 BC, 4:00 p.m.  God, having been in a bad mood all day, turns Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt.

June 7, 2549 BC 11:15 a.m.  God once again in a creative mood creates marijuana.

1:30 p.m. –Later that day, God, thoroughly annoyed with all his creations (except the marijuana), instructs Noah to build an ark because he, God, is going to destroy the world.

August 14, 2371 BC,  5:30 a.m. — Methuselah finally turns his toes up after 969 years on this good earth.

July 7, 1425 BC, 8:30 p.m. — God gives Moses the Ten Commandments.

March 1, 2 AD, 10:15 a.m. — God creates an amusing diversion featuring Christians and lions.

July 2, 1854 AD, 11:45 p.m. — After a few too many martinis, God creates Republicans.

November 9, 2016, 2:45 a.m. — Feeling rather wicked, God makes Donald Trump president.

December 25, 2019, 10 a.m.  –Filled with Christmas spirit, God removes Donald Trump from office and makes Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer president. Trump refuses to leave.

January 1, 2020, Noon — God decides to smite Donald Trump, but will patiently wait for just the right moment.

SEPTEMBER 25, 1789: MONROE BEFORE MADISON EXCEPT AFTER JEFFERSON

Posted on by Richard Daybell

When the Constitutional Convention sent the proposed U.S. Constitution to the states for ratification, Anti-Federalists criticized the power it gave the national government and its lack of explicit constitutionprotections for individual rights. Several states ratified the Constitution only given the promise that it would be immediately amended.

James Madison from Virginia proposed 19 amendments to answer the states’ objections. The Senate then whittled these down to 12, which were approved by Congress on September 25, 1789,and sent on to the states by President Washington.

The states ratified the last 10 of the 12 amendments, and they became the first 10 amendments to the Constitution, now referred to as the Bill of Rights.

The first of the two rejected amendments would have established how members of the House of Representatives would be apportioned to the states. Although it was rejected, it is covered elsewhere in the Constitution. The second forbade Congress from raising its own pay; Congress could vote for a raise but it would only apply to the next Congress. Nearly two hundred years later, a clever university student realized that the amendment remained “alive” because it had no deadline for state ratifications. He organized a successful campaign seeking ratification of the amendment, and it became the 27th (and most recent) amendment to the Constitution.

king me

Many of those members of the Constitutional Convention wanted Washington to become America’s own King George I. Although cooler heads prevailed, it’s interesting to think about the possibility. A list of our royalty might look something like this.

George I (George the Honest)

John I

Thomas I

James I

James II

John II (John the Junior)

Andrew I (Andrew the Old Hickory)

Martin I

William I (William the Tippecanoe)

John III (John the Tyler Too)

James III royal

Zachary I

Millard I

Franklin I

James IV

Abraham I (Abraham the Emancipator)

Andrew II

Ulysses I

Rutherford I

James V

Chester I

Grover I

Benjamin I

Grover I Part II

William I

Theodore I (Theodore the Big Stick)

William II (William the Fat)

Woodrow I

Warren I

Calvin I

Herbert I

Franklin II

Harry I

Dwight I (Dwight the Ike)

John IV

Lyndon I

Richard I (Richard the Not a Crook) Abdicated the throne

Gerald I

James VI

Ronald I

George II

William III

George III (George the W)

Barack I (Barack the Kenyan)

Donald I (Donald the . . .)

Joe I

 

MAY 22, 1856: SENATORS WILL BE SENATORS

Posted on by Richard Daybell

It all started in the Senate chamber in 1856 when Senator Charles Sumner, a Massachusetts Republican, addressed the Senate on the explosive issue of whether Kansas should be admitted to the Union as a slave state or a free state. Three days later on May 22 the “world’s greatest deliberative body” became a donnybrook fair.

In his speech entitled “Crime Against Kansas,” Sumner identified two Democratic senators as the principal culprits in this crime—Stephen Douglas of Illinois and Andrew Butler of South Carolina. In a little bit of overkill, Sumner called Douglas to his face a “noise-some, squat, and nameless animal . . . not a proper model for an American senator.”  Andrew Butler, who was not present at the time, received an even more elaborate characterization.  Mocking the South Carolina senator’s image as a chivalrous Southerner, the Massachusetts senator charged him with taking “a mistress . . . who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight—I mean,” added Sumner, “the harlot, Slavery.”

Representative Preston Brooks was a fellow South Carolinian to Butler. He read a certain amount of ridicule into the remarks, and he took great umbrage on Butler’s behalf.  In one of the Senate’s most dramatic moments ever, Brooks stormed into the chamber shortly after the Senate had adjourned for the day, where he found Sumner busily attaching his postal frank to copies of his “Crime Against Kansas” speech.

Brooks claimed that if he had believed Sumner to be a gentleman, he might have challenged him to a duel.  Instead, he chose a light cane of the type used to discipline unruly dogs. Moving quickly, Brooks slammed his metal-topped cane onto the unsuspecting Sumner’s head.   As Brooks struck again and again, Sumner rose and staggered helplessly about the chamber, futilely attempting to protect himself.  After a very long minute, it ended with Sumner lying unconscious. As Sumner was carried away, Brooks walked calmly out of the chamber without being detained by the stunned onlookers.  Overnight, both men became heroes in their home states.

Surviving a House censure resolution, Brooks resigned, was immediately reelected, and promptly died at age 37.  Sumner recovered slowly and returned to the Senate, where he remained for another 18 years. But the incident symbolized the breakdown of civility and reason in the capital and serves as a reminder to current legislators to always play nice with one another.

The Cloak of Invincibility

Posted on by Richard Daybell

The Queen returned a few minutes later, strutting toward them. Alice gasped. She couldn’t believe her eyes. The Queen wore an imperial grin but nothing else. He was totally naked. Alice looked up at the sky, down at the ground beneath her feet, anywhere to avoid looking at the unpleasant corpulence that stood before her.

“I am now invincible,” said the Queen. “There is nothing more to worry about.”

“But he’s not wearing anything,” Alice whispered to the White Rabbit.

“And do you want to be the one to tell him?” answered the Rabbit.

“Step closer to me, Alice if it pleases me,” said the Queen.

“I really couldn’t, your regalness,” Alice replied.

“But you must,” the Queen insisted.

“I shouldn’t, your sovereigness,” said Alice.

“I command you!”

“I shan’t, your nakedness.”

Leaves stop rustling, birds stopped chirping. A painful silence gripped the coutyard. Breaths were held. The only movement was Alice’s trembling. The Queen looked at his extremities — his feet, his legs, his hands, his arms. He looked at his torso. He looked straight at Alice It was a malevolent look. “Whatever are you talking about? Now step closer or I shall have your head.”

Alice didn’t budge. The Queen’s face got redder and redder. He fumed. But wait –the Queen seemed to be getting smaller. He was getting smaller! So was the White Rabbit and all the others.

The Cheshire Cat’s head appeared and now hovered above them. The Walrus waddled in, followed by the carpenter. They too were smaller. When Alice stood face to face with the Cheshire Cat, she realized it was she who was growing larger.

“Enough, enough,” said the Walrus. “This negativity gets us nowhere.”

“What do you mean?” asked the now full-sized Alice.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of noble things. Like election day and making choices, and voting, you ding-a-lings.”

“The sad truth is,” said the Cheshire Cat, “an estimated 40 percent of us won’t vote at all.”

“That’s terrible,” said Alice.  “We should be ashamed.”

“Off with our heads,” added the Queen.

The Great Debate

Posted on by Richard Daybell

“It’s getting too cold for golf,” said the Queen.

“Actually it’s really quite hot,” said Alice.

“Are you disagreeing with me?” the Queen snarled.

“Never, your highness. It’s just that the planet is growing warmer, after all.”

“The planet is most certainly not growing warmer,” said the Queen. “It’s growing colder.”

“How can you say that?”

“It’s as plain as the nose on your face.” said the Queen. At 9 o’clock this morning it was 85 degrees. At ten o’clock, it was 83 degrees. If this alarming trend continues, it will be a hundred below zero by Tuesday.”

“But –“

“Are you challenging me to a debate?”

“I wasn’t –“

“Debate!” the Queen shouted.

“Debate,” murmured the lords and princes and courtiers.

“How I love a debate,” the Queen gushed. “You may go first.”

“Well you see –“

“I don’t see,” the Queen shouted.

“The –“

“Hoax!”

“If you –“

“Witch hunt!”

“I’m –“

“Blah, blah, blah, blah.”

“But –“

“Stop interrupting me. Demerits for rudeness.”

“I’m just trying to make a point,” Alice shouted.

“Points are not allowed. Demerit.”

“Please –“

“There you go, interrupting again. Debate over. You lose.”

“Brava, your majesty,” congratulated the lords and princes and courtiers.

As the Queen basked in the adulation, a familiar figure entered the scene. The White Rabbit came running up, panting. The Queen looked at him and snapped: “Why do you still have a head?”

“I’m bearing news. There’s a germ going around. Perhaps we should be wearing our masks.”

“Not necessary. I’ll simply slip into my cloak of invincibility, and everything will be fine.”

The Queen turned, made a passing attempt to grab Alice who deftly dodged it, and exited stage left.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — the Queen’s cloak of invincibility.

The Queen’s Golf Course

Posted on by Richard Daybell

Alice had never seen such a strange golf course in her life. It was no bigger than a tennis court and had only one hole. The golf balls were live hedgehogs rolled up tightly, and the clubs were live flamingoes.

Alice found it quite difficult to manage her flamingo. She succeeded in getting its body tucked under her arm, with its legs up, its neck straightened, and its head next to the ball., but as she was about to hit the ball, the flamingo would twist itself around and look right in her face causing her to burst out laughing. When she got its head down again, the hedgehog would unroll itself and walk away.

The players all played at once, hitting hedgehogs in various directions, quarreling the whole time. The Queen himself was worked up into an awful state, shouting “off with his head!” or “off with her head!” and Alice began to worry about her own head. As she contemplated sneaking away, she noticed a curious appearance in the air. I t slowly became a grin and she new at once who it was.

“How are you getting on?” said the Cat.

“They don’t play fairly, they quarrel and they don’t follow any rules at all.”

“How do you like the Queen?”

“Not at all,” said Alice. “He’s extremely –” Just then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, a big hand reaching out to touch her. She jumped away and continued ” — likely to win. It’s hardly worth finishing the game.”

“The others have accused you of cheating,” said the Queen.

“I didn’t cheat. I was just having difficulties with my flamingo.”

“This is a very serious offense.”

“I’m innocent.”

“Guilty as charged.” The Queen was almost purring now. He leaned closer and said: “Don’t worry. I find you guilty. I pardon you. We quid pro quo.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — a great debate.

Painting Roses

Posted on by Richard Daybell

A large rose tree stood just inside the entrance to the Queen’s courtyard. The roses growing on it were black and quite beautiful, but there were three gardeners at it, one busily painting the roses white, the other two painting each other. Venturing nearer, Alice saw that the gardeners were playing cards — a seven of spades, a five of spades and a two whose spades had been painted white. When they saw Alice, they all bowed low.”Can you tell me why you’re painting each other and those beautiful black roses?” Alice inquired.

Seven spoke: “Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a white rose tree, and a black one got put in by mistake. If the Queen was to find out, we should all have our heads cut off.”

“Why ever for?”

“The Queen doesn’t like black. He wants Donaldland to be all white. That’s why we’re painting our own black spots as well. Black cards don’t matter.”

“Well that’s just preposterous.”

At this moment, Five, who had been anxiously watching across the courtyard, called out: “The Queen! The Queen!”

At once, the three gardeners threw themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice turned, eager to see the Queen. First came ten soldiers shaped like the gardeners but bearing red hearts. They were followed by ten courtiers ornamented by diamonds and ten children jumping about merrily. Princes prancing, drummers drumming, lords leaping. And at the end of this grand procession, the Queen, the orange thicket spilling out from under his crown with an unearthly glow.

When the procession reached Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen demanded: “Who is this?”

“My name is Alice, if it pleases your majesty.”

“And who are these three groveling on the ground?

“Five, Seven and Two,” they answered in unison. “We’ve –” The Queen spotted the partially painted rose tree and screamed: “Off with their heads!” She then turned to Alice and cooed: “Come join us in a game of golf, Alice if it pleases me.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — a game of golf.

Stipulations and Legal Briefs

Posted on by Richard Daybell

“Is this the Queen’s court?” Alice asked the two funny-looking men blocking the big iron gate.

“Who wants to know?” they chimed together.

“I’d like to join the Queen for some golf,” answered Alice.

“She’d like to join the Queen,” they taunted, looking at each other. “Do you have a nondisclosure agreement?”

“I’m afraid I don’t, but I’m not the sort of person to disclose things. Are you the Queen’s guards?”

“Guards?” They looked at each other and laughed. “Do we look like guards? We are the Queen’s personal lawyers — Tweeedledum and Tweedledumber, attorneys-at-law. Here, sign these.” They each pushed a pile of papers at Alice.

“What are these?”

“Sworn statements that the Queen didn’t grab you, wouldn’t grab you, and was miles away when the grabbing occurred.”

“But the Queen probably won’t — “

“Of course he will. The Queen has big hands and — “

“– a big heart. I know, I know.”

“You also stipulate that grabbing isn’t a crime if the Queen grabs,” said Tweedledum.

“It’s not even naughty,” added Tweedledumber.

“And Collusion isn’t a crime if the Queen colludes. Obstruction isn’t a crime if the Queen obstructs. Subtraction isn’t a crime —

“Okay, I stipulate,” said Alice impatiently. “And the Queen isn’t a witch, and doesn’t grab girls and is making Donaldland great again.”

“I think she’s got it,” said the twin lawyers. “And what about the White Knight?”

Alice began to recite: “The White Knight and his nefarious throng of 98 — “

” — 125 — “

” — 125 dastardly democreeps are out to destroy the good Queen.”

“And the Queen is cooperating fully with his witch hunt and is willing to answer any number of questions. As a matter of fact, we have provided a list of answers to the questions the Queen is willing to answer.” Tweedledum handed a piece of paper to Alice.

She read: “Yes. No. Maybe. I couldn’t say. Fourteen. Fake news. Yesterday. Never. Maybe tomorrow. None of your damn business.”

“What more could we possibly do?” said Tweedledum.

“Legal is as legal does,” said Tweedledumber.

“Hand me the briefs, said Tweedledum.

“No,” said Tweedledumber. “It’s my turn to wear the briefs.”

“No, it’s my turn.”

“My turn.”

“My turn.”

“I’ll sue.”

“I’ll sue first.”

“I’ll counter-sue.”

“I’ll counter-counter sue.”

And off they went, arguing and leaving the gate for Alice to enter. Which she did.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — painting roses.

The Cheshire Cat Returns

Posted on by Richard Daybell

“Well, I’ll never go there again,” said Alice, as she picked her way through the woods. “It was the dumbest party I ever was at.”

She let out a little shriek as the Cheshire Cat popped onto a nearby branch. ‘I wish you wouldn’t do that. You give me such a fright.”

“Halloween is just around the corner,” said the Cat, his grin widening and looking just a little bit evil. “It’s a right proper time to frighten people.” With that, he suddenly disappeared, the reappeared on the other side of the path. “Boo.”

Alice laughed. “You don’t frighten me so much anymore.”

“That makes me sad.”

“Perhaps if you wore a really scary mask.”

“Oh no,” said the Cat. “We don’t wear masks in Donaldland. The Queen doesn’t like masks. Says they make someone look like a Biden.”

“What’s a Biden?’

“I don’t know, but whatever it is, the Queen doesn’t like it. Speaking of the Queen –“

“I know, he has big hands and he cheats at golf. Just where would I find the Queen’s Court?”

“Straight ahead. Actually, there are several courts. There’s the Tennis Court, the Basketball Court, and the Supreme Court. At the Tennis Court, the Queen’s subjects serve.”

“What do they serve?”

“Why the Queen of course. At the Basketball Court, everyone runs about madly, stealing chickens and turkeys and partridges. When they’ve collected five fowls, they get to sit down. The Supreme Court is where things are decided; it’s divided into three wings. There’s the liberal wing, the conservative wing, and the sexual predator wing and they all make decisions. But the Queen tells them what their decisions are.”

“It sounds like a Kangaroo Court,” scoffed Alice.

“Kangaroo Court, that’s rich. I like that.” The Cat’s grin widened. “Perhaps I’ll see you there. Ta ta.” And with that the Cheshire Cat disappeared bit by bit until only it’s grin remained.

“I’ve seen a cat without a grin before,” said Alice, “but I’ve never seen a grin without a cat.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — stipulations and legal briefs.

Tea Party II

Posted on by Richard Daybell

“Tax and spend,” the March Hare repeated for emphasis. “We should be tightening our belts, abstaining, making ends meet, pinching pennies.”

“Wielding the budget ax,” added the Hatter.

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep, “Twinkle, twinkle, budget ax. How I wonder what it whacks.”

“Entitlements,” said the Hatter.

“Public radio,” said the March Hare.

“Planned Parenthood,” said the Hatter.

“The EPA,” said the March Hare.

“Why do you want to whack these things?” asked Alice, confused.

“Because they promote gay rights, diversity, and health care,”said the Hatter.

“But what’s wrong with those things?”

“They cost far too much,” said the Hatter. “Especially health care. The Queen has a better way. His health plan is so much better, and it won’t cost anything.”

“How could that be?” asked Alice.

“Simple, said the Hatter. “You don’t get sick.”

“Illegal immigrants are going to bankrupt our grandchildren,” added the March Hare.

“That’s silly,” said Alice.

“What do you know?” retorted the March Hare. “You weren’t even born. You don’t have a birth certificate.”

“But people don’t carry their birth certificates around with them,” answered Alice.

“Then where’s your Constitution?” the Hatter demanded.

“I don’t carry that around either.”

“Then how do you know original intent?”

“I don’t think – ”

“Then you shouldn’t talk.”

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear. She got up in great disgust and walked off. The others took no notice, but went back to their discussion of how big the next tax cut should be.

Tomorrow, same time, same place –the Cheshire Cat reappears.