SEPTEMBER 11, 1680: THE UNFORTUNATE ROGER CRAB

Seventeenth century England was not without its share of eccentrics, folks who were not the sharpest arrows in the quiver. Roger Crab may certainly be categorized as one of them, although his misfortune at having his skull split open while serving in the Parliamentary Army might provide some excuse for his eccentricity. The unfortunate Crab was sentenced to death after the incident (for having his skull in the wrong place at the wrong time?), but his sentence was later commuted and, upon his release, he became a haberdasher of hats.

His wandering mind somehow happened upon the idea that it was sinful to eat any kind of animal food or to drink anything stronger than water. Determined to pursue a biblical way of life, Crab sold all his hats and other belongings, distributing the proceeds among the poor. He then took up residence in a makeshift hut, where he lived on a diet of bran, leaves and grass (the 16th century equivalent of a kale and edamame diet), and began to produce pamphlets on the wonders of diet.

“Instead of strong drinks and wines,” he wrote, “I give the old man (referring to his body) a cup of water; and instead of roast mutton and rabbit, and other dainty dishes, I give him broth thickened with bran, and pudding made with bran and turnip-leaves chopped together.”

mad-hatterJust as Crab persecuted his own body, others began to persecute him. He was cudgeled and put in the stocks. He was stripped and whipped. Four times he was arrested on suspicion of being a wizard. He bounced from prison to prison until his death on September 11, 1680.  Fortunately, our modern society treats its vegetarian eccentrics much more humanely.

Some scholars believe Crab was the inspiration for Lewis Carroll’s Mad Hatter.

Curb Your Carnal Enthusiasm

Sylvester Graham was ordained as a Presbyterian minister in 1826. The Reverend Graham was not your run of the mill minister. He waged a lifelong crusade against alcohol, lust, and white bread.

His disdain of alcohol was inspired by the temperance movement. white breadWhile he accepted the premise that alcohol had useful medicinal qualities, he felt that social drinking was a social danger that could lead to other social activities — namely lust. An unhealthy diet (Graham was also a vegetarian) led to wanton carnal desire, which led to poor health, which led to disease (with a capital D that rhymes with P which stands for you know what).

As one might guess, Graham, like poor Roger Crab, was ridiculed by the media and the public at large (though never cudgeled). He might have been written off as just another crackpot zealot and soon forgotten had it not been for his campaign against white bread. White bread was a bit of a status symbol at the time. Its paleness and the fact that it was purchased rather than homemade separated sophisticates from those bumpkins who made their own dark bread.

Graham thought the use of chemical additives such as alum and chlorine somehow made white bread less than wholesome. Nutritionists tended to agree with him. The whiter the bread, the sooner you’re dead, became their battle cry. Graham went on to create a healthier flour, a healthier bread and — you’ve been waiting for this — the graham cracker.

Sylvester Graham died on September 11, 1851. He probably would not have approved of s’mores.

How To Make S’mores

You’ll need: Wood, matches, graham crackers, chocolate squares (smaller than the graham cracker and fairly thin), marshmallows, a s'morepointy stick.

1. Start a campfire.

2. Break a graham cracker along it’s perforation to create two perfect squares.

3. Place a chocolate square on one of the graham cracker squares.

4. Place a marshmallow on the pointy stick and hold it over the fire until it is a nice golden brown (unless you like your marshmallows almost black).

5. Carefully slip the marshmallow off the pointy stick and onto the chocolate graham cracker stack.

6. Place the other graham cracker on top of the marshmallow and press down until the marshmallow just starts to ooze out. This may require some practice.

7. Cleanse your palette with the alcoholic beverage of your choice.

8. Eat the S’more.

9. Cleanse your palette again.

Tea Party II

“Tax and spend,” the March Hare repeated for emphasis. “We should be tightening our belts, abstaining, making ends meet, pinching pennies.”

“Wielding the budget ax,” added the Hatter.

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep, “Twinkle, twinkle, budget ax. How I wonder what it whacks.”

“Entitlements,” said the Hatter.

“Public radio,” said the March Hare.

“Planned Parenthood,” said the Hatter.

“The EPA,” said the March Hare.

“Why do you want to whack these things?” asked Alice, confused.

“Because they promote gay rights, diversity, and health care,”said the Hatter.

“But what’s wrong with those things?”

“They cost far too much,” said the Hatter. “Especially health care. The Queen has a better way. His health plan is so much better, and it won’t cost anything.”

“How could that be?” asked Alice.

“Simple, said the Hatter. “You don’t get sick.”

“Illegal immigrants are going to bankrupt our grandchildren,” added the March Hare.

“That’s silly,” said Alice.

“What do you know?” retorted the March Hare. “You weren’t even born. You don’t have a birth certificate.”

“But people don’t carry their birth certificates around with them,” answered Alice.

“Then where’s your Constitution?” the Hatter demanded.

“I don’t carry that around either.”

“Then how do you know original intent?”

“I don’t think – ”

“Then you shouldn’t talk.”

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear. She got up in great disgust and walked off. The others took no notice, but went back to their discussion of how big the next tax cut should be.

Tomorrow, same time, same place –the Cheshire Cat reappears.

A Tea Party

As it turned out, it didn’t matter which path she took because she came to a clearing with a large table, and both the Hatter and the Hare were crowded into one corner. A Dormouse sat on the table between them fast asleep, and they were using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it.. “No room,” they cried out as Alice approached.

“There’s plenty of room,” said Alice indignantly, sitting down at one end of the table.

“Did you bring your birth certificate?” the March Hare asked.

“Of course not,” said Alice.

“Then how do we know you were born?”

“Because I’m here,” answered Alice.

“I’m not convinced,” said the March Hare. “Have some wine.”

Alice looked all around the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. “I don’t see any wine,” she remarked.

“There isn’t any,” said the March Hare. “And there’s no free lunch. No handouts. Fend for yourself. Take care of number one.”

“Your budget wants cutting,” said the Hatter. This was his first speech. “Why is welfare like a writing desk?”

“Oh good, riddles,” said Alice. “I think I can guess that.”

“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer?” said the March Hare.

“Yes.”

“Then you should say what you mean.”

“I do,” said Alice. “At least I mean what I say. It’s the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same at all,” said the Hatter. “you might as well say ‘I grab who I please’ is the same as ‘I please who I grab.'”

“That sounds like the Queen,” said Alice. “I give up. Why is welfare like a writing desk?“

“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter.

Alice sighed. “I think you might better spend your time than wasting it asking riddles that have no answers.”

“Spend, spend,” said the Hatter. “Tax and spend. That’s all you liberals do.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — the party continues.