MAY 15, 1482: TOSCANELLI’S COMET

Paolo Toscanelli, born in 1397, was your typical Italian Renaissance Man, dabbling in everything from astronomy to mathematics to philosophy to cartography. He rubbed elbows (and influenced) the likes of Leonardo da Vinci and Christopher Columbus. In fact, that fickle finger of fate could have just as easily pointed at Paolo instead of Columbus.

As we all know, Christopher Columbus as a boy used to sit on the docks in Genoa watching ships slowly disappear over the horizon. While all the other boys sitting on the docks attributed this phenomenon to the ships falling off the edge of the world, Christopher determined that ships were gradually disappearing because the world was actually round. A fairy tale, of course. Columbus knew the world was round because Paolo Toscanelli told him it was round. Toscanelli even gave Columbus a map (a flat map admittedly) that showed Asia to the left on the other side of the Atlantic. Neither of them had reckoned on that other continent lying in-between. Yet Columbus got an October holiday and a city in Ohio while Toscanelli got squat.

Another near miss for Paolo was his observation of a comet in 1456. Although Paolo was the first to identify it, it remained known only as the Comet of 1456 until 300 years later when English astronomer Edmond Halley predicted its 1759 return and got naming rights.

Paolo died on May 15, 1482, ten years before Columbus sailed the ocean blue and some 350 years before “Halley’s” Comet did an encore.

Over the Rainbow

She threw her arms around the Lion’s neck and kissed him, patting his big head tenderly. Then she kissed the Tin Woodman, who was weeping in a way most dangerous to his joints. But she hugged the soft, stuffed body of the Scarecrow in her arms instead of kissing his painted face, and found she was crying herself at this sorrowful parting from her loving comrades.

Glinda the Good stepped down from her ruby throne to give the little girl a good-bye kiss, and Dorothy thanked her for all the kindness she had shown to her friends and herself.

Dorothy now took Toto up solemnly in her arms, and having said one last good-bye she clapped the heels of her shoes together three times saying, “Take me home to Aunt Em!

Lyman Frank Baum, born in Chittenango, New York, on May 15, 1856 (died 1919), was best known for writing The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, although he wrote a total of 55 novels, 83 short stories, over 200 poems, and made many attempts to bring his works to the stage and screen.

In 1897, after several abortive early careers, Baum wrote and published Mother Goose in Prose, a collection of Mother Goose rhymes written as prose stories, and illustrated by Maxfield Parrish. The book was a moderate success, allowing Baum to quit his door-to-door sales job and devote time to his writing. In 1899, Baum partnered with illustrator W. W. Denslow, to publish Father Goose, His Book, a collection of nonsense poetry. The book was a success, becoming the best-selling children’s book of the year. Then in 1900, the duo published The Wonderful Wizard of Oz to critical acclaim and financial success.   The book was the best-selling children’s book for two years after its initial publication.

Oz was a popular destination long before the famous 1939 screen version of the book.  A  musical  based closely upon the book,  the first to use the shortened title “The Wizard of Oz”, opened in Chicago in 1902, then ran on Broadway for 293 performances.   Baum went on to write another 13 Oz novels.

Baum’s intention with the Oz books, and other fairy tales, was to tell American tales in much the same manner as the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen , modernizing them and removing the excess violence.  He is often credited with the beginning of the sanitization of children’s stories, although his stories do include eye removals, maimings of all kinds and an occasional decapitation.

Most of the books outside the Oz series were written under pseudonyms. Baum was variously known as Edith Van Dyne, Laura Bancroft, Floyd Akers, Suzanne Metcalf, Schuyler Staunton, John Estes Cooke, and Capt. Hugh Fitzgerald.

Baum wrote two newspaper editorials about Native Americans that have tarnished his legacy because of his assertion that the safety of white settlers depended on the wholesale genocide of American Indians. Some scholars take them at face value, others suggest they were satire. Decide for yourself.

The Pioneer has before declared that our only safety depends upon the total extermination of the Indians. Having wronged them for centuries we had better, in order to protect our civilization, follow it up by one more wrong and wipe these untamed and untamable creatures from the face of the earth. In this lies safety for our settlers and the soldiers who are under incompetent commands. Otherwise, we may expect future years to be as full of trouble with the redskins as those have been in the past.

The Cloak of Invincibility

The Queen returned a few minutes later, strutting toward them. Alice gasped. She couldn’t believe her eyes. The Queen wore an imperial grin but nothing else. He was totally naked. Alice looked up at the sky, down at the ground beneath her feet, anywhere to avoid looking at the unpleasant corpulence that stood before her.

“I am now invincible,” said the Queen. “There is nothing more to worry about.”

“But he’s not wearing anything,” Alice whispered to the White Rabbit.

“And do you want to be the one to tell him?” answered the Rabbit.

“Step closer to me, Alice if it pleases me,” said the Queen.

“I really couldn’t, your regalness,” Alice replied.

“But you must,” the Queen insisted.

“I shouldn’t, your sovereigness,” said Alice.

“I command you!”

“I shan’t, your nakedness.”

Leaves stop rustling, birds stopped chirping. A painful silence gripped the coutyard. Breaths were held. The only movement was Alice’s trembling. The Queen looked at his extremities — his feet, his legs, his hands, his arms. He looked at his torso. He looked straight at Alice It was a malevolent look. “Whatever are you talking about? Now step closer or I shall have your head.”

Alice didn’t budge. The Queen’s face got redder and redder. He fumed. But wait –the Queen seemed to be getting smaller. He was getting smaller! So was the White Rabbit and all the others.

The Cheshire Cat’s head appeared and now hovered above them. The Walrus waddled in, followed by the carpenter. They too were smaller. When Alice stood face to face with the Cheshire Cat, she realized it was she who was growing larger.

“Enough, enough,” said the Walrus. “This negativity gets us nowhere.”

“What do you mean?” asked the now full-sized Alice.

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, “to talk of noble things. Like election day and making choices, and voting, you ding-a-lings.”

“The sad truth is,” said the Cheshire Cat, “an estimated 40 percent of us won’t vote at all.”

“That’s terrible,” said Alice.  “We should be ashamed.”

“Off with our heads,” added the Queen.

The Great Debate

“It’s getting too cold for golf,” said the Queen.

“Actually it’s really quite hot,” said Alice.

“Are you disagreeing with me?” the Queen snarled.

“Never, your highness. It’s just that the planet is growing warmer, after all.”

“The planet is most certainly not growing warmer,” said the Queen. “It’s growing colder.”

“How can you say that?”

“It’s as plain as the nose on your face.” said the Queen. At 9 o’clock this morning it was 85 degrees. At ten o’clock, it was 83 degrees. If this alarming trend continues, it will be a hundred below zero by Tuesday.”

“But –“

“Are you challenging me to a debate?”

“I wasn’t –“

“Debate!” the Queen shouted.

“Debate,” murmured the lords and princes and courtiers.

“How I love a debate,” the Queen gushed. “You may go first.”

“Well you see –“

“I don’t see,” the Queen shouted.

“The –“

“Hoax!”

“If you –“

“Witch hunt!”

“I’m –“

“Blah, blah, blah, blah.”

“But –“

“Stop interrupting me. Demerits for rudeness.”

“I’m just trying to make a point,” Alice shouted.

“Points are not allowed. Demerit.”

“Please –“

“There you go, interrupting again. Debate over. You lose.”

“Brava, your majesty,” congratulated the lords and princes and courtiers.

As the Queen basked in the adulation, a familiar figure entered the scene. The White Rabbit came running up, panting. The Queen looked at him and snapped: “Why do you still have a head?”

“I’m bearing news. There’s a germ going around. Perhaps we should be wearing our masks.”

“Not necessary. I’ll simply slip into my cloak of invincibility, and everything will be fine.”

The Queen turned, made a passing attempt to grab Alice who deftly dodged it, and exited stage left.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — the Queen’s cloak of invincibility.

The Queen’s Golf Course

Alice had never seen such a strange golf course in her life. It was no bigger than a tennis court and had only one hole. The golf balls were live hedgehogs rolled up tightly, and the clubs were live flamingoes.

Alice found it quite difficult to manage her flamingo. She succeeded in getting its body tucked under her arm, with its legs up, its neck straightened, and its head next to the ball., but as she was about to hit the ball, the flamingo would twist itself around and look right in her face causing her to burst out laughing. When she got its head down again, the hedgehog would unroll itself and walk away.

The players all played at once, hitting hedgehogs in various directions, quarreling the whole time. The Queen himself was worked up into an awful state, shouting “off with his head!” or “off with her head!” and Alice began to worry about her own head. As she contemplated sneaking away, she noticed a curious appearance in the air. I t slowly became a grin and she new at once who it was.

“How are you getting on?” said the Cat.

“They don’t play fairly, they quarrel and they don’t follow any rules at all.”

“How do you like the Queen?”

“Not at all,” said Alice. “He’s extremely –” Just then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, a big hand reaching out to touch her. She jumped away and continued ” — likely to win. It’s hardly worth finishing the game.”

“The others have accused you of cheating,” said the Queen.

“I didn’t cheat. I was just having difficulties with my flamingo.”

“This is a very serious offense.”

“I’m innocent.”

“Guilty as charged.” The Queen was almost purring now. He leaned closer and said: “Don’t worry. I find you guilty. I pardon you. We quid pro quo.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — a great debate.

Painting Roses

A large rose tree stood just inside the entrance to the Queen’s courtyard. The roses growing on it were black and quite beautiful, but there were three gardeners at it, one busily painting the roses white, the other two painting each other. Venturing nearer, Alice saw that the gardeners were playing cards — a seven of spades, a five of spades and a two whose spades had been painted white. When they saw Alice, they all bowed low.”Can you tell me why you’re painting each other and those beautiful black roses?” Alice inquired.

Seven spoke: “Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a white rose tree, and a black one got put in by mistake. If the Queen was to find out, we should all have our heads cut off.”

“Why ever for?”

“The Queen doesn’t like black. He wants Donaldland to be all white. That’s why we’re painting our own black spots as well. Black cards don’t matter.”

“Well that’s just preposterous.”

At this moment, Five, who had been anxiously watching across the courtyard, called out: “The Queen! The Queen!”

At once, the three gardeners threw themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice turned, eager to see the Queen. First came ten soldiers shaped like the gardeners but bearing red hearts. They were followed by ten courtiers ornamented by diamonds and ten children jumping about merrily. Princes prancing, drummers drumming, lords leaping. And at the end of this grand procession, the Queen, the orange thicket spilling out from under his crown with an unearthly glow.

When the procession reached Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen demanded: “Who is this?”

“My name is Alice, if it pleases your majesty.”

“And who are these three groveling on the ground?

“Five, Seven and Two,” they answered in unison. “We’ve –” The Queen spotted the partially painted rose tree and screamed: “Off with their heads!” She then turned to Alice and cooed: “Come join us in a game of golf, Alice if it pleases me.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — a game of golf.

Stipulations and Legal Briefs

“Is this the Queen’s court?” Alice asked the two funny-looking men blocking the big iron gate.

“Who wants to know?” they chimed together.

“I’d like to join the Queen for some golf,” answered Alice.

“She’d like to join the Queen,” they taunted, looking at each other. “Do you have a nondisclosure agreement?”

“I’m afraid I don’t, but I’m not the sort of person to disclose things. Are you the Queen’s guards?”

“Guards?” They looked at each other and laughed. “Do we look like guards? We are the Queen’s personal lawyers — Tweeedledum and Tweedledumber, attorneys-at-law. Here, sign these.” They each pushed a pile of papers at Alice.

“What are these?”

“Sworn statements that the Queen didn’t grab you, wouldn’t grab you, and was miles away when the grabbing occurred.”

“But the Queen probably won’t — “

“Of course he will. The Queen has big hands and — “

“– a big heart. I know, I know.”

“You also stipulate that grabbing isn’t a crime if the Queen grabs,” said Tweedledum.

“It’s not even naughty,” added Tweedledumber.

“And Collusion isn’t a crime if the Queen colludes. Obstruction isn’t a crime if the Queen obstructs. Subtraction isn’t a crime —

“Okay, I stipulate,” said Alice impatiently. “And the Queen isn’t a witch, and doesn’t grab girls and is making Donaldland great again.”

“I think she’s got it,” said the twin lawyers. “And what about the White Knight?”

Alice began to recite: “The White Knight and his nefarious throng of 98 — “

” — 125 — “

” — 125 dastardly democreeps are out to destroy the good Queen.”

“And the Queen is cooperating fully with his witch hunt and is willing to answer any number of questions. As a matter of fact, we have provided a list of answers to the questions the Queen is willing to answer.” Tweedledum handed a piece of paper to Alice.

She read: “Yes. No. Maybe. I couldn’t say. Fourteen. Fake news. Yesterday. Never. Maybe tomorrow. None of your damn business.”

“What more could we possibly do?” said Tweedledum.

“Legal is as legal does,” said Tweedledumber.

“Hand me the briefs, said Tweedledum.

“No,” said Tweedledumber. “It’s my turn to wear the briefs.”

“No, it’s my turn.”

“My turn.”

“My turn.”

“I’ll sue.”

“I’ll sue first.”

“I’ll counter-sue.”

“I’ll counter-counter sue.”

And off they went, arguing and leaving the gate for Alice to enter. Which she did.

Tomorrow, same time, same place — painting roses.

The Cheshire Cat Returns

“Well, I’ll never go there again,” said Alice, as she picked her way through the woods. “It was the dumbest party I ever was at.”

She let out a little shriek as the Cheshire Cat popped onto a nearby branch. ‘I wish you wouldn’t do that. You give me such a fright.”

“Halloween is just around the corner,” said the Cat, his grin widening and looking just a little bit evil. “It’s a right proper time to frighten people.” With that, he suddenly disappeared, the reappeared on the other side of the path. “Boo.”

Alice laughed. “You don’t frighten me so much anymore.”

“That makes me sad.”

“Perhaps if you wore a really scary mask.”

“Oh no,” said the Cat. “We don’t wear masks in Donaldland. The Queen doesn’t like masks. Says they make someone look like a Biden.”

“What’s a Biden?’

“I don’t know, but whatever it is, the Queen doesn’t like it. Speaking of the Queen –“

“I know, he has big hands and he cheats at golf. Just where would I find the Queen’s Court?”

“Straight ahead. Actually, there are several courts. There’s the Tennis Court, the Basketball Court, and the Supreme Court. At the Tennis Court, the Queen’s subjects serve.”

“What do they serve?”

“Why the Queen of course. At the Basketball Court, everyone runs about madly, stealing chickens and turkeys and partridges. When they’ve collected five fowls, they get to sit down. The Supreme Court is where things are decided; it’s divided into three wings. There’s the liberal wing, the conservative wing, and the sexual predator wing and they all make decisions. But the Queen tells them what their decisions are.”

“It sounds like a Kangaroo Court,” scoffed Alice.

“Kangaroo Court, that’s rich. I like that.” The Cat’s grin widened. “Perhaps I’ll see you there. Ta ta.” And with that the Cheshire Cat disappeared bit by bit until only it’s grin remained.

“I’ve seen a cat without a grin before,” said Alice, “but I’ve never seen a grin without a cat.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — stipulations and legal briefs.

October 28, 1993: Moon Over Bogota

National University in Bogota, Colombia, prided itself on its reputation for academic excellence. Like many institutions of higher learning, it also attracted its share of student radicals from across the political spectrum.

On October 28, 1993, University President Antanas Mockus was delivering a speech at the opening of a university art show and enduring frequent interruptions with catcalls from rowdies in the audience. Finally, Mockus stopped mid-sentence, turned around, bent over, dropped his drawers and mooned the audience into a stunned silence. Score one for the prez.

Unfortunately, an enterprising student caught the whole thing on videotape. Naturally, the videotape found its way to the media. The incident was shown over and over on national TV, and stills from the tape made it into print. Radio talk shows were abuzz with calls for his censure, his ouster, his head. He had damaged the image of higher education and of the country itself, according to some.

But there were others such as the columnist who wrote: “That he showed his pale buttocks to some disrespectful, bus-burning anarchists is a thing I understand.”

Mockus made a tearful mea culpa appearance on TV, placing his fate with the Colombian president. And he survived. Two year later he was elected Mayor of Bogota. But maybe mooning was in his blood. In 2018, now age 65 and a Congressman, Mockus mooned his fellow legislators who were interrupting the outgoing president’s farewell speech.

You May Not Kiss the Bride

Elsa Lanchester, born in London on October 28, 1902, enjoyed a long show business career first in England then with her husband Charles Laughton in the United States. Her role as the title character in the 1935 film Bride of Frankenstein ( a good choice for a Halloween movie). She starred with Laughton in a dozen films before his death in 1962. She died in 1986.

Tea Party II

“Tax and spend,” the March Hare repeated for emphasis. “We should be tightening our belts, abstaining, making ends meet, pinching pennies.”

“Wielding the budget ax,” added the Hatter.

Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in its sleep, “Twinkle, twinkle, budget ax. How I wonder what it whacks.”

“Entitlements,” said the Hatter.

“Public radio,” said the March Hare.

“Planned Parenthood,” said the Hatter.

“The EPA,” said the March Hare.

“Why do you want to whack these things?” asked Alice, confused.

“Because they promote gay rights, diversity, and health care,”said the Hatter.

“But what’s wrong with those things?”

“They cost far too much,” said the Hatter. “Especially health care. The Queen has a better way. His health plan is so much better, and it won’t cost anything.”

“How could that be?” asked Alice.

“Simple, said the Hatter. “You don’t get sick.”

“Illegal immigrants are going to bankrupt our grandchildren,” added the March Hare.

“That’s silly,” said Alice.

“What do you know?” retorted the March Hare. “You weren’t even born. You don’t have a birth certificate.”

“But people don’t carry their birth certificates around with them,” answered Alice.

“Then where’s your Constitution?” the Hatter demanded.

“I don’t carry that around either.”

“Then how do you know original intent?”

“I don’t think – ”

“Then you shouldn’t talk.”

This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear. She got up in great disgust and walked off. The others took no notice, but went back to their discussion of how big the next tax cut should be.

Tomorrow, same time, same place –the Cheshire Cat reappears.

A Tea Party

As it turned out, it didn’t matter which path she took because she came to a clearing with a large table, and both the Hatter and the Hare were crowded into one corner. A Dormouse sat on the table between them fast asleep, and they were using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it.. “No room,” they cried out as Alice approached.

“There’s plenty of room,” said Alice indignantly, sitting down at one end of the table.

“Did you bring your birth certificate?” the March Hare asked.

“Of course not,” said Alice.

“Then how do we know you were born?”

“Because I’m here,” answered Alice.

“I’m not convinced,” said the March Hare. “Have some wine.”

Alice looked all around the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. “I don’t see any wine,” she remarked.

“There isn’t any,” said the March Hare. “And there’s no free lunch. No handouts. Fend for yourself. Take care of number one.”

“Your budget wants cutting,” said the Hatter. This was his first speech. “Why is welfare like a writing desk?”

“Oh good, riddles,” said Alice. “I think I can guess that.”

“Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer?” said the March Hare.

“Yes.”

“Then you should say what you mean.”

“I do,” said Alice. “At least I mean what I say. It’s the same thing, you know.”

“Not the same at all,” said the Hatter. “you might as well say ‘I grab who I please’ is the same as ‘I please who I grab.'”

“That sounds like the Queen,” said Alice. “I give up. Why is welfare like a writing desk?“

“I haven’t the slightest idea,” said the Hatter.

Alice sighed. “I think you might better spend your time than wasting it asking riddles that have no answers.”

“Spend, spend,” said the Hatter. “Tax and spend. That’s all you liberals do.”

Tomorrow, same time, same place — the party continues.